OK, OK...so maybe being single and "fabulous" is over-rated.
I turned 24 on Sunday and one of the reoccurring thoughts in my mind was...my sister was married when she was 24 and had her first child when she was 25. Now why would I put myself through that type of mental torture on a day that is suppose to be a joyous celebration of your life? There really is no true answer to that question. I guess I'm just crazy.
But I'm sitting here thinking of all the guys in my life who could have been potential "the one's", then I laugh to myself and think, there was never and has never been the one. I would have been settling for a storybook temporary happiness which would have left me regretting being with "the one" i settled for.
This probably sounds crazy to say, but I've actually had guys I've dated not just introduce the idea of marriage, but flat out tell me that they want to get married...to me. There's been no ring involved or sob story of a man on his bended knee but I've had the proposition presented to me on more than one occasion.
For example, I was out on Sunday night with my ex boyfriend. He and I dated for 4 1/2 years. I would describe my relationship with him crazy, exciting, and dangerously in love. We had our share of ups and downs as high school sweethearts. We cheated on one another and things even got physical when we would fight. But we were young. Kids, in love and didn't even know how to handle all of those emotions.
Anyway, we've been broken up for about 2 years now and we are able to remain friends. And by friends I mean we were acting like we were in a relationship with one another without the title, off and on since we broke up. Probably not the healthiest thing to do with someone you care that deeply about but you know, you live and you learn.
Well last night was the first time I had seen him in about 3 months. We went to a bar for a drink, and he was all over me. But for once I had no interest in him, or in the charades we had been playing for damn near 6 years. All I could think about was all the potential relationships I would be missing out on if I gave in to his "Whitney, I love you and your so beautiful" compliments. He even had the nerve to tell me that in 2014 we would get married. I'm thinking what the hell, that's four years from now. He must have to get all his 'partying' out of his system before he can truly commit. Whatever the case, I wasn't interested in the least bit.
When I got home I just thought about all my what ifs. What if I stayed with my ex playing his peek-a-boo game in my life. What if I end up alone. Should I just settle for comfort?
But of course like a smart woman, I'm waiting for the man who has no doubt in his mind that I'm it. I'm waiting for the man who knows that being without me would be like being without breath. I'm waiting for the man who doesn't just flirt with commitment by propositioning me with the idea of marriage.
Actually I'm anticipating the sob story. The bended knee. The ring...The happy ending.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
INSANITY
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I used to be that person who dated the same guy repeatedly. i'm what they call a repeat offender. Maybe for the rush.....or maybe because i was bored, for whatever reason it was that specific time, i would resort back to my phonebook and hit send on a vague text message to someone who months before i swore i was never speaking to again. We would innocently catch up, because that was my initial plan. You have to make it seem like you just want to see how they're doing. Any guy who is not seeing anyone of any importance will fall into the trap. and fortunately for me, i date men who are unable to commit. so the conversation flows easily, as usual. before you know it 3 weeks have gone by, and while it was fun, you're cussing him out to your friends and promising never to dial his number again. you may even be as dramatic as to delete his number. but we all know that's just to feel the rush of seeing his number pop up on your phone, and convincing yourself that he cares enough to call you. because they always do. while single (and i mean completely this time) i have studied my own actions, and had to tear apart my way of rationalizing this insanity. what makes me go back? what would it take to stay away? my friends used to say i had a starting 5. i did, but as i got more into me, and why i was doing the things i was doing i started to realize that i would never get anywhere emotionally without being challenged. matters of the heart are complicated. and while i look at dating as pointless, i still think its healthy to try other things. familiarity is so comforting that i never thought i'd be able to snap out of it. The unknown is frightening. I was even trying to fool myself by dating other guys who were clones of the last ones. who was i kidding? Do we live for the roller coaster feeling? why do women return to the same heartbreaker over and over again? insanity? Love? Familiarity? Maybe all of those things. What i have learned is that the minute we decide to want to be treated better that starting five begins to dwindle. We start seeing things a little differently. The minute i stopped desiring to be treated like someone who i wasn't the situation with the men in my life took an interesting turn. i no longer had time, sure i was polite with a text here or there, but it was no longer to get anywhere with them. In saying this, i'd like to inspire self worth in women who have acquired a taste for broken hearts. Not every man will be a prince. But you don't have to kiss him to find out if he's a frog. I'm not saying judge a book by its cover, but i don't need to finish it to know its the same book as the one i read before. the sun shines brighter when you realize who you are, and what you want. I don't HAVE to call my starting 5 anymore. I don't feel obligated to keep up constant communication with men who dealt with me on a level of mediocrity. I will not stand behind excuses. I am the owner of my heart, and its my responsibility to protect it. its funny how we continue to date the same men, and then say how "they not shit." well those last five guys you messed with are all cut from the same cloth so maybe you just like not shit men? i am learning the mirror method. being able to stand in front of one and see exactly what is happening with me. I am a strong believer in love of the Righteous kind. I believe in perfect fits, and soul mates. I however do not believe in bull shit, cheating, lying, game playing, and non verbal communication (that last one because we're all grown, speak up!) i cannot excuse the un fixable. He just doesn't know better, well you know he's had his heart broken before so...... he's in a bad situation with his girlfriend, he's breaking up with her, he's an athlete, he's greek, he's a celebrity...what do you expect? nope, no excuses. I have to stand up for what i believe in , because for anything else i want to live a happy emotionally healthy life. Love has been turned into some scary journey we pack too much baggage for. I feel that if more of us stood back to look at ourselves, and learned the first or hell even the second time we'd be better from it. how do we progress if we never move on? maybe the acceptance of not being able to change a constant will come with maturity for others, or a lesson for some. I'm learning now, because 10 years from today i don't want to live for that rush. So many women are not marrying, are not happy with their love lives because of what they can't let go. I will not be bound by my past. Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. so i'll end this in saying.....
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results.
change your results.....change your future....because anything else is insanity.....
I used to be that person who dated the same guy repeatedly. i'm what they call a repeat offender. Maybe for the rush.....or maybe because i was bored, for whatever reason it was that specific time, i would resort back to my phonebook and hit send on a vague text message to someone who months before i swore i was never speaking to again. We would innocently catch up, because that was my initial plan. You have to make it seem like you just want to see how they're doing. Any guy who is not seeing anyone of any importance will fall into the trap. and fortunately for me, i date men who are unable to commit. so the conversation flows easily, as usual. before you know it 3 weeks have gone by, and while it was fun, you're cussing him out to your friends and promising never to dial his number again. you may even be as dramatic as to delete his number. but we all know that's just to feel the rush of seeing his number pop up on your phone, and convincing yourself that he cares enough to call you. because they always do. while single (and i mean completely this time) i have studied my own actions, and had to tear apart my way of rationalizing this insanity. what makes me go back? what would it take to stay away? my friends used to say i had a starting 5. i did, but as i got more into me, and why i was doing the things i was doing i started to realize that i would never get anywhere emotionally without being challenged. matters of the heart are complicated. and while i look at dating as pointless, i still think its healthy to try other things. familiarity is so comforting that i never thought i'd be able to snap out of it. The unknown is frightening. I was even trying to fool myself by dating other guys who were clones of the last ones. who was i kidding? Do we live for the roller coaster feeling? why do women return to the same heartbreaker over and over again? insanity? Love? Familiarity? Maybe all of those things. What i have learned is that the minute we decide to want to be treated better that starting five begins to dwindle. We start seeing things a little differently. The minute i stopped desiring to be treated like someone who i wasn't the situation with the men in my life took an interesting turn. i no longer had time, sure i was polite with a text here or there, but it was no longer to get anywhere with them. In saying this, i'd like to inspire self worth in women who have acquired a taste for broken hearts. Not every man will be a prince. But you don't have to kiss him to find out if he's a frog. I'm not saying judge a book by its cover, but i don't need to finish it to know its the same book as the one i read before. the sun shines brighter when you realize who you are, and what you want. I don't HAVE to call my starting 5 anymore. I don't feel obligated to keep up constant communication with men who dealt with me on a level of mediocrity. I will not stand behind excuses. I am the owner of my heart, and its my responsibility to protect it. its funny how we continue to date the same men, and then say how "they not shit." well those last five guys you messed with are all cut from the same cloth so maybe you just like not shit men? i am learning the mirror method. being able to stand in front of one and see exactly what is happening with me. I am a strong believer in love of the Righteous kind. I believe in perfect fits, and soul mates. I however do not believe in bull shit, cheating, lying, game playing, and non verbal communication (that last one because we're all grown, speak up!) i cannot excuse the un fixable. He just doesn't know better, well you know he's had his heart broken before so...... he's in a bad situation with his girlfriend, he's breaking up with her, he's an athlete, he's greek, he's a celebrity...what do you expect? nope, no excuses. I have to stand up for what i believe in , because for anything else i want to live a happy emotionally healthy life. Love has been turned into some scary journey we pack too much baggage for. I feel that if more of us stood back to look at ourselves, and learned the first or hell even the second time we'd be better from it. how do we progress if we never move on? maybe the acceptance of not being able to change a constant will come with maturity for others, or a lesson for some. I'm learning now, because 10 years from today i don't want to live for that rush. So many women are not marrying, are not happy with their love lives because of what they can't let go. I will not be bound by my past. Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. so i'll end this in saying.....
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results.
change your results.....change your future....because anything else is insanity.....
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
What happend to all the gentleman
So today i calculated that today would be just like everyday of my uneventful life as a single girl. Every morning, wake up...workout....eat breakfast....get ready for work. For the past couple of months this has been the standard routine.
Then today I wake up and realize that this shit is just plain boring...As a woman of a certain age (ok im only 23, going on 24) I shouldn't feel this discontent with my life. So i prayed and tweeted that I hoped some excitement be brought to my humdrum life. And what do u think happen to me today? FLOWERS at my job.
Im sitting at work with my friend and this guy's like um i have a delivery for whitney billups...im like arrrgghhhh? Me? Umm you've clearly made a mistake mister, cause ummm yea.... but no they were for me.
I was so surprised that lil ol' me received something special. But ladies...this is disturbing. Romanticism is dead and gone. Women no longer expect good things to come to them, cause most guys (well this has been my experience) could give a shit about "making your day". What's up with that?
So then i thought, hmmm....its also been my experience that I've dealt with good for nothing men who could not only give a crap about you, but they don't even really care about their selves. Its just all to apparent to me that I've been dealing with the wrong men.
This is why I'm single. No more will I allow myself to fall in love with a man who doesn't believe in being a hopeless romantic. I'm a hopeless romantic. That's just who I am. And I will not settle until I find someone who is on the same page as me.
Oh and about the person who gave me flowers...well he's a friend. A really, really good friend. And for right now, that's all imma say about that.
Then today I wake up and realize that this shit is just plain boring...As a woman of a certain age (ok im only 23, going on 24) I shouldn't feel this discontent with my life. So i prayed and tweeted that I hoped some excitement be brought to my humdrum life. And what do u think happen to me today? FLOWERS at my job.
Im sitting at work with my friend and this guy's like um i have a delivery for whitney billups...im like arrrgghhhh? Me? Umm you've clearly made a mistake mister, cause ummm yea.... but no they were for me.
I was so surprised that lil ol' me received something special. But ladies...this is disturbing. Romanticism is dead and gone. Women no longer expect good things to come to them, cause most guys (well this has been my experience) could give a shit about "making your day". What's up with that?
So then i thought, hmmm....its also been my experience that I've dealt with good for nothing men who could not only give a crap about you, but they don't even really care about their selves. Its just all to apparent to me that I've been dealing with the wrong men.
This is why I'm single. No more will I allow myself to fall in love with a man who doesn't believe in being a hopeless romantic. I'm a hopeless romantic. That's just who I am. And I will not settle until I find someone who is on the same page as me.
Oh and about the person who gave me flowers...well he's a friend. A really, really good friend. And for right now, that's all imma say about that.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Hello, I'm single.........(The Beginning)
Hello, i'm single. 'Scuse me, can i get a table for 1? um, it'll just be me tonight. however you say it, it sounds pitiful. Today was no exception. Sweetest day. a figment holiday created in fact to make those without someone special feel singled out (no pun intended) in a room fool of couples salivating over each other. Drinking milkshakes with 2 straws, and violins playing for them as they each take an end of their spaghetti and begin to slurp until they reach the middle and find themselves in a lip lock so romantic i want to throw stones. o k so maybe its not that dramatic. Maybe it just feels that way, but i was with my girls, and i didn't notice. (kinda) We laughed, and told stories, and drank, and the best part was we ate. So i didn't feel so single. single? o yea, i didn't feel that single today on sweetest day.....sweetest day? i've never had anybody on sweetest day, besides my ex boyfriend but we broke up maybe 4 years ago. before that though, nothing. and now? NADA. Am i not allowed to be single, and sweet? no short shot that i'd be halfway dating somebody......and they'd somewhat want to take me out....and we kinda would have a good time. no? apparently i'm wishing on stars. which are not out tonight thank the heavens because anything else more romantic might make me throw up my lonely guts. Sweetest day. This day stings a little less than Valentines day, because its not on the calendar. What i have learned however is that Sweetest day is not celebrated EVERYWHERE. So i need to do a poll and find out where they aren't, and go there every 3rd saturday in October. I may sound sour....but honestly what other day is celebrated like this? If they had a Leg Day where we all went around celebrating our legs...and running marathon's and what not....simply because we have legs. people in wheelchairs would be outraged! They'd say we are completely disregarding those less fortunate, and parading our perfect limbs in the faces of those who aren't as blessed. We'd be called inconsiderate, and disrespectful. (i know its a reach but stay with me) so why is it ok to make love the focus of a day? what about those who have lost a significant other? or who have yet to find them? are we to sit down in the dark and wait for the clock to strike midnight until the so called "lovers" return to their senses and realize that most of the world is single? Single and functioning? Single and great, single and adventurous, single and beautiful. single and motivated caring and a great cook? Wait...sounds like an add for love right? ok. well today is my last day i will spend devoting any time to this so called Sweetest day hooplah. I'm taking a stand. i will not be tormented by society's way of tricking me into thinking there's something wrong with me if i'm not with someone. i will smile, laugh, dance, sing, tell jokes, meet up with friends.....as great and as enthusiastic as i ever was. more so on today than any other day. the problem is this new found freedom has been discovered a quarter till midnight. : ) i have 15 minutes to exercise my opinions, and put them into action. it will only take me 5 words to sum it up. "Hello, I'm single......and Happy." I am not alone, nor am i depressed. Celebrate on, because deep down their is a single person inside everyone. and if for whatever reason you have to resort back to those days, i'd like to promote happiness on Sweetest day, Fulfillment on Valentine's Day, and greatness every day. this is only the beginning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)