Thursday, October 22, 2009


The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I used to be that person who dated the same guy repeatedly. i'm what they call a repeat offender. Maybe for the rush.....or maybe because i was bored, for whatever reason it was that specific time, i would resort back to my phonebook and hit send on a vague text message to someone who months before i swore i was never speaking to again. We would innocently catch up, because that was my initial plan. You have to make it seem like you just want to see how they're doing. Any guy who is not seeing anyone of any importance will fall into the trap. and fortunately for me, i date men who are unable to commit. so the conversation flows easily, as usual. before you know it 3 weeks have gone by, and while it was fun, you're cussing him out to your friends and promising never to dial his number again. you may even be as dramatic as to delete his number. but we all know that's just to feel the rush of seeing his number pop up on your phone, and convincing yourself that he cares enough to call you. because they always do. while single (and i mean completely this time) i have studied my own actions, and had to tear apart my way of rationalizing this insanity. what makes me go back? what would it take to stay away? my friends used to say i had a starting 5. i did, but as i got more into me, and why i was doing the things i was doing i started to realize that i would never get anywhere emotionally without being challenged. matters of the heart are complicated. and while i look at dating as pointless, i still think its healthy to try other things. familiarity is so comforting that i never thought i'd be able to snap out of it. The unknown is frightening. I was even trying to fool myself by dating other guys who were clones of the last ones. who was i kidding? Do we live for the roller coaster feeling? why do women return to the same heartbreaker over and over again? insanity? Love? Familiarity? Maybe all of those things. What i have learned is that the minute we decide to want to be treated better that starting five begins to dwindle. We start seeing things a little differently. The minute i stopped desiring to be treated like someone who i wasn't the situation with the men in my life took an interesting turn. i no longer had time, sure i was polite with a text here or there, but it was no longer to get anywhere with them. In saying this, i'd like to inspire self worth in women who have acquired a taste for broken hearts. Not every man will be a prince. But you don't have to kiss him to find out if he's a frog. I'm not saying judge a book by its cover, but i don't need to finish it to know its the same book as the one i read before. the sun shines brighter when you realize who you are, and what you want. I don't HAVE to call my starting 5 anymore. I don't feel obligated to keep up constant communication with men who dealt with me on a level of mediocrity. I will not stand behind excuses. I am the owner of my heart, and its my responsibility to protect it. its funny how we continue to date the same men, and then say how "they not shit." well those last five guys you messed with are all cut from the same cloth so maybe you just like not shit men? i am learning the mirror method. being able to stand in front of one and see exactly what is happening with me. I am a strong believer in love of the Righteous kind. I believe in perfect fits, and soul mates. I however do not believe in bull shit, cheating, lying, game playing, and non verbal communication (that last one because we're all grown, speak up!) i cannot excuse the un fixable. He just doesn't know better, well you know he's had his heart broken before so...... he's in a bad situation with his girlfriend, he's breaking up with her, he's an athlete, he's greek, he's a celebrity...what do you expect? nope, no excuses. I have to stand up for what i believe in , because for anything else i want to live a happy emotionally healthy life. Love has been turned into some scary journey we pack too much baggage for. I feel that if more of us stood back to look at ourselves, and learned the first or hell even the second time we'd be better from it. how do we progress if we never move on? maybe the acceptance of not being able to change a constant will come with maturity for others, or a lesson for some. I'm learning now, because 10 years from today i don't want to live for that rush. So many women are not marrying, are not happy with their love lives because of what they can't let go. I will not be bound by my past. Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. so i'll end this in saying.....
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results.
change your results.....change your future....because anything else is insanity.....

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